Erotic Sandwich Photos Too Hot for University Internet To Handle

Bahn Mi

“Bahn Mi” from… somewhere on the internet…

As you all can tell, I have no problem throwing the word “porn” around. Porn, porn, porn. And then of course I break out in the the chorus for “The Internet is for Porn” from Avenue Q. The first time I did that I was in a philosophy of religion class and someone said that a metaphor for God could be the internet and one of my back row Honors buddies pointed out that 90% percent of the internet is used for porn. I wrote my class journal for that week on how we think of God in human terms and since the majority of humans have pornographic thoughts regularly it made sense that we would just ignore that when trying to make ourselves look like photocopies of God. And who knows… maybe God does think about porn. It wouldn’t be anything like ours, I’m sure, but still… worth a really awkward thought.

It’s in the 90’s today and that makes me sad. And I had to wake up super early to try once again to convince the DMV that I am in fact a state resident who should be allowed to get an ID card. I had so carefully gotten together all my documentation together to go in and get it earlier this week and they let me do everything but get the card itself until I bring in another proof of residency. I got a sunburn standing outside the MVA at 8am only to be told that the additional documents I had brought in didn’t count but that I was allowed to print off other bank/credit card statements and use those. So I’m going to try and go back later today and have told my boss that afterwards I will be working from home because its just too much hassle to go back and forth and back and forth and really I’ll I’m doing today is reading this book for next year and coming up with questions all them new students will have to suffer through. It’s a good book and I find it fascinating but I already know that the new crop of freshies are most likely to complain at me about how it’s more than 160 characters (or however long messages are these days).

But since I was up so early and now have like the biggest pile of dead trees with all possible bank/card statements the MVA might accept from me all printed out I’m hungry. And I know I still have Bahn Mi materials in the fridge. I was going to share a lovely post once about about the wonders of bahn mi and how you should be eating them but then I can across a serious problem… The university’s firewall…

I swear this thing block anything and everything of any remote possible interest to the majority of humanity. The word “wine” shows up on a page? BLOCKED! Any reference to sexual relations of any kind? BLOCKED (Yep, even some news articles)! Bahn mi…. BLOCKED for Mature/Adult Themes of a Sexual Nature.

It makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

So there it is folks, somewhere in the post attached to the photo above is something so horrifyingly sexy that I can’t even open it on campus. It looks rally delicious… MUST BE A SIN!

Oh and look! A little bird has landed outside my office window and is trying to make friends with my Batman and Catwoman Lego figures… Since the internet seems to be off-limits I guess I’ll go play with Legos now.

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In the Land of the Sober

Bee's Knees

“Bee’s Knees” from Food & Wine

I don’t quite remember when it was that I first learned about this drink. But I was probably around 15 because I definitely remember being in a resort in Zambia at Victoria Falls when I was 16 and trying to order one and having just the worst luck because no one knew what I was talking about. Back in high school I had big dreams of becoming the very first SDA bartender. My mother very quickly squashed that plan by telling me that I could be a Christian bartender but I was getting a little too specific with the SDA thing and that it was just never going to happen. Later, in college, I learned that some of the church founders spoke out against ice cream because the process of sugar and milk melting in the stomach made alcohol. And that’s just ridiculous but goes to show why my mother was right and I decided that I should really look into some other religious options. It’s not a surprise that I had a lot of fun in chemistry lab that year.

I don’t often post drinks or alcoholic or bacon-based content because every time I do I can just feel my mom feeling disappointed in her child rearing skills in my head. But this week I think I’m in proper order. There are few things at work that make me want to just set up a bar at the front desk and tell everyone “Drinks are on me!” at lunch time but that just wouldn’t go over very well and I don’t have any of the ingredients at home because it’s hard to justify a truly full and comprehensive liquor cabinet with–you know–that mother thing. So my goal this weekend is to try and figure out a way to fulfill my youthful dream of sitting in a proper bar where the bartenders not only know what I’m talking about but who will appreciate the fine art of booze. Because I’m feeling a little parched here and all we’ve got is water and whatever caffeine I manage to sneak in. That’s right. Caffeine is decreed bad, too. We’re a bit loose on that one around here but at some of our sister institutions I’ve got family that have said their job was on the line because of potential “substance abuse”. And that’s just stupid…

Eat More Lunches!

Asaltado Vegetariano (Sitr-Fried Vegetable Sandwich)

“Asaltado Vegetariano (Sitr-Fried Vegetable Sandwich)” from Saveur

With school out for the summer and me being the only one that still has to come to campus I’m pretty much on my own for lunches. Usually it’s a much more communal effort to get everyone a packed lunch in the morning but now it’s just me and that means I’m so much less willing to put forth a lot of effort. But food is important and lunch is especially so in my book. After trying to get students through final exams, worrying about the next batch of students on the way in the fall, and only recently getting over the horrible illness of doom that had me practically strapping a box of tissues and a bag of cough drops to my hips for easy access… Well I let a few things get away from me and I gained a few pounds so it’s back to the routine and restarting the fencing training and hopefully the swimming circuit for the rest of the summer to make sure I don’t let the situation get the better of me. And, since having recently eaten and what I do behind closed doors with my earphones on isn’t exactly conducive, I can’t eat dinner until afterwards so lunch is important. I’m sure there are rules about all this stuff but since when have I ever followed the rules knowingly? So sandwiches and salads are on the menu along with my homemade bottles of chilled karkadé(which I talk more about in my previous post “Bug Juice“).

The Awesome Power of Bilbo and Chinese Take-Out

On a very exciting application I just turned in I was asked the following question: Which food writers to you admire and why?

If you can’t tell from that it’s for a position I would absolutely ADORE. Also, my contract ended yesterday at 5pm and I have yet to be called up to HR to sign the next one so I’m technically unemployed and feel absolutely not guilty at all whatsoever about the fact that I haven’t opened a single work document or email since I got in early at 8am. And by now, Foodie Nation, you should know me well enough to know I wasn’t going to write some fluff piece on my much I love… well whoever it is I love. I’m not telling! But you know I would want this job like no other that I have applied for yet and that means I’m going to go as far out towards the deep end as I see fit (which wasn’t quite as serious as the Marianas Trench, I know how to be professional). If I get a job like this my life would be like this poster: Awesome!

Here’s my response:

I admire honest food writers who come across as genuine people. This includes a lot of bloggers but it also includes those who have “moved up” (for example “White on Rice Couple” and “Joy the Baker”). But selecting a group from the numerous blogs, sites, and publications that I browse and subscribe to would be a rather herculean task. So instead I’ll recognize a group of food writers that are often overlooked: Translators of Chinese take-out menus.

Unlike what I consider to be one of my ultimate gastrogasming spots in the world (the noodle dish dan dan mien at A & J restaurant, Rockville, MD), Chinese take-out joints that are strewn far and wide across American are incredibly un-Chinese. And yet there is a formula to their menus that we all recognize and sometimes (even to our own shame) we crave. The photos are awful and the places are small and I’m still confused as to why “r” and “l” are consistently switched when I know both sounds exist in both Mandarin and Cantonese (my own grandmother still can’t get it right after all these years).

I admire that somehow the writers and “translators” of these menus have managed to appeal to something that has become a part of American culture and make us want their food even though we know it’s bad for us and that it isn’t even “authentic”. It’s almost a comfort food for many people that live in urban areas that don’t have time to cook and I know for a fact that the entire IT department across the campus where I work has Beijing Delight programmed into their phones.

There’s nothing fancy but there is still something that appeals to us. Knowing that we get free egg rolls with an order of more that $12.99 (even though they’re really bad egg rolls) makes us want to order that extra side of “flied lice” and do group orders and to us it makes sense. That’s the essence of good food writing. Making you want to get out there and be active about in-taking food rather than just taking vitamin supplements and eating Army-type rations.

I don’t know who these people are who came up with the “standard” Chinese Take-Out Menu but I would really like to meet them because they did what I think almost any promotional food writer has ever tried to do and it’s amazing.

If Only Buying Salad Were As Easy

Romaine, Radicchio, and Endive Salad

“Romaine, Radicchio, and Endive Salad” from Martha Stewart

It’s now exactly one week until my contract ends in this job. The feelers are out and the applications have been sent and the interviews they have begun. I am so excited about a potential change in job that the only thing that has killed my joy is remembering all the stuff I’ll need to get in order before I leave if things work out. I’m really hoping I won’t have to sign my next contract in the middle of it all.

And because there are things to be done I had to procrastinate at least a little to make sure that I felt productive for at least part of my day. So I’ve been very busy punching holes into old papers and putting them into binders, buying comic books and graphic novels, organizing the folders on my work computer, browsing the latest literature on Amazon.com, eating lunch… Well attempting to, anyways.

I decided to start my lunch with the salad that some family member had packed yesterday and not taken to work/school. It seemed like a perfectly nice salad. I put in some dressed and shook up the container and then tried a bite. Tasted… not right. Not rotten but not like salad. It tasted like chili peppers. I don’t like chili peppers. And as I ate a few more bites the worse it got and the more I thought to myself: Worst Salad Day Ever…

And thus I ceased eating the salad and drank a bottle of water to try and get the taste out of my mouth. Still not sure what was going on there. I can eat hot foods but I really don’t like the flavor. Especially in my salad. Now, if only buying a new salad to go along with my lunch break of buying new comic books were easy across the board. a few clicks here a password linked to a debit card there and viola! Salad!

But it seems that salad is not to be on the menu today… Sigh. And I was really looking forward to that.

It’s a Yummy Day in the Neighborhood

Hummus with Hen of the Woods Mushrooms

“Hummus with Hen of the Woods Mushrooms” from Saveur

It’s days like today that I love having a corner office with nice big windows that allow me to enjoy the blue sky and well kept grass. I’m always so confused as to why my office mate keeps her blinds shut tight all the time. It’s like she hates the outdoors or something. And she’s always either turning on a fan or a heather and it’s very weird. But I’ve got one little Strawberry plant sprouted in my window, being kept company by a plant I’m taking care of for someone indefinitely. It’s an Aralia “Galaxy”. It’s cute and I like that it can survive not being watered all the time.

I don’t know why but today seems like a good day for hummus. And this one looks fantastic. My mom has been making it rather a lot at home for snacking purposes and we’ve tested and altered the recipe she uses to it’s happy place and now I’m like… Mmmm more hummus please! But this looks like another good version to try out.